No. We don’t want this.
Dear husbands/ partners,
With Mother’s Day approaching and an entire letterbox jammed with catalogues covered in slogans like ‘Make Mum Smile’, I thought I’d jot down some warnings about what it is we DON’T want this mother’s day. Because heaven forbid you glance through the Big W catalogue and be swayed by what you find in there.
1. EARLY MORNING CELEBRATIONS
We’re happy it’s Mother’s Day. Stoked. Can’t get enough of being reminded that we’re mothers, because, actually, SO MANY days go by where we forget.
No, I’m being jaded. We do like Mother’s Day and the special status that the day brings, but we don’t need our specialness to start too early. IN FACT, we’d be really, really, really happy if you’d pop off to the park with the kids for a bit and maybe we can start the ‘yay, me’ thing around 9am. And perhaps you can pick up a few pastries on the way home.
2. POO
Since it is our special day. We will not deal with poo in any form, in any location for the entire day. Not in nappies, on walls or smeared inside trousers. Not from children, dogs or cats. It’s your entire domain today. Actually you can deal with any wee and vomit, too.
3. KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN
An ex-KFC employee assures me that Mother’s Day is that restaurant’s busiest day of the year. Because it’s a well known fact that mums don’t cook on mother’s day, so apparently you’re going to get us a takeaway from there. Call me crazy, but I reckon, husband/partner, rather than gifting me a greasy bucket of lard, you’d be a hell of a lot sexier when you’re arm deep in home-made pancake batter or a roast. Don’t worry, we’ll have the patience to admire and appreciate your efforts, since we won’t be busy stressing about how many dishes you’re dirtying (that’s your job today, too).
4. MUSIC
We like music but please don’t get inspiration from the catalogues on the kitchen table. Because we don’t like Andre Rieu. That’s for your mother, not us. I’ll pop Michael Buble, Anthony Callea and Rod Steward into that category too, although others may disagree. At the end of the day though, what we really want is the chance to listen to something other than ‘Hi-5′, without interruption. Maybe in the bath, with a glass of bubbles, while you’re back at the park taking the kids for their afternoon run.
5. STORE-BOUGHT CARDS
And luckily for us, we probably won’t get them. We’ll get some half-torn, scrunched up bit of cardboard with glitter that falls straight onto the carpet and throughout our beds. Inside will be a drawing of us with a moustache or over-emphasised wrinkles. And we’ll love it, because in a few short years, the cards WILL be store bought, probably from the service station, which means that the kids forgot/don’t give a toss.
And if all this seems too much? Remember to look forward to that little father’s day thing in September, when you’re welcome to present your own list of requests.
And just in case you need help with what to cook us today, try one of these…
Pancake batter looks good on you, sexy husband.
A biscuit and a cup of tea will SCREAM ‘special’.
Roast chicken is always a winner.
And a pot of this will save us from the kitchen for another couple of days.
But don’t forget, most mums will be happiest, with something from the Vegie Smuggler’s shop. Of course, hardcopy books might not arrive in time, but the e-books can be bought and downloaded instantly.
