No. We don’t want this.
Dear husbands/ partners,
With Mother’s Day approaching and an entire letterbox jammed with catalogues covered in slogans like ‘Make Mum Smile’, I thought I’d jot down some warnings about what it is we DON’T want this mother’s day. Because heaven forbid you glance through the Big W catalogue and be swayed by what you find in there.
1. EARLY MORNING CELEBRATIONS
We’re happy it’s Mother’s Day. Stoked. Can’t get enough of being reminded that we’re mothers, because, actually, SO MANY days go by where we forget.
No, I’m being jaded. We do like Mother’s Day and the special status that the day brings, but we don’t need our specialness to start too early. IN FACT, we’d be really, really, really happy if you’d pop off to the park with the kids for a bit and maybe we can start the ‘yay, me’ thing around 9am. And perhaps you can pick up a few pastries on the way home.
2. POO
Since it is our special day. We will not deal with poo in any form, in any location for the entire day. Not in nappies, on walls or smeared inside trousers. Not from children, dogs or cats. It’s your entire domain today. Actually you can deal with any wee and vomit, too.
3. KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN
An ex-KFC employee assures me that Mother’s Day is that restaurant’s busiest day of the year. Because it’s a well known fact that mums don’t cook on mother’s day, so apparently you’re going to get us a takeaway from there. Call me crazy, but I reckon, husband/partner, rather than gifting me a greasy bucket of lard, you’d be a hell of a lot sexier when you’re arm deep in home-made pancake batter or a roast. Don’t worry, we’ll have the patience to admire and appreciate your efforts, since we won’t be busy stressing about how many dishes you’re dirtying (that’s your job today, too).
4. MUSIC
We like music but please don’t get inspiration from the catalogues on the kitchen table. Because we don’t like Andre Rieu. That’s for your mother, not us. I’ll pop Michael Buble, Anthony Callea and Rod Steward into that category too, although others may disagree. At the end of the day though, what we really want is the chance to listen to something other than ‘Hi-5’, without interruption. Maybe in the bath, with a glass of bubbles, while you’re back at the park taking the kids for their afternoon run.
5. STORE-BOUGHT CARDS
And luckily for us, we probably won’t get them. We’ll get some half-torn, scrunched up bit of cardboard with glitter that falls straight onto the carpet and throughout our beds. Inside will be a drawing of us with a moustache or over-emphasised wrinkles. And we’ll love it, because in a few short years, the cards WILL be store bought, probably from the service station, which means that the kids forgot/don’t give a toss.
And if all this seems too much? Remember to look forward to that little father’s day thing in September, when you’re welcome to present your own list of requests.
And just in case you need help with what to cook us today, try one of these…
Pancake batter looks good on you, sexy husband.
A biscuit and a cup of tea will SCREAM ‘special’.
Roast chicken is always a winner.
And a pot of this will save us from the kitchen for another couple of days.
But don’t forget, most mums will be happiest, with something from the Vegie Smuggler’s shop. Of course, hardcopy books might not arrive in time, but the e-books can be bought and downloaded instantly.
Vegie Smugglers 
Bec said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:23 pm
I heard the KFC on the radio today and I thought how disgusting, I couldn’t imagine a Mother’s Day any worse than getting that to eat! Bring on hand made gifts and lots of cuddles 🙂
wendyblume said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:25 pm
yep! Agreed. Have a happy day.
dogrosehealing said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:28 pm
Haha love it! My entire being said YES PLEASE about the bath.
wendyblume said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:33 pm
With maybe some nice scented candles too? Or will that spoil the taste of the bubbles?
toni nightinglae said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:28 pm
Great blog. I must print it and put it somewhere obvious..
Nicole Ruigrok said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:30 pm
Hahaha! Now that was really funny, made me giggle out loud. Will show my hubby 🙂
Kirsten said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:35 pm
Brilliant!!!
CC said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:42 pm
All excellent points. Some handmade cards and some quiet would be great.
BTW: I had not seen that Andre Rieu CD before. Creepy.
wendyblume said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:45 pm
you wait, someone will be out defending him in a jiffy (he has a loyal following) 😉
Lisa said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:45 pm
Very Funny, totally agree! Maybe add some earplugs with the bath/bubbles, I have 4 sons 😉 My 1 yr old gave me his first hand made mothers day card, he made at family day care, painted with his chubby handprint. Love it!
wendyblume said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:48 pm
I love it that he gave it to you already! Very cute.
Kim said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:51 pm
I remember when we were kids and the neighbours were doing kentucky duck and world wrestling on the teev for their mum. Our family were like WAHHHHHHAaaaaaatttttttt???? hahhaaahhaaa That is soooo funny. We did our Mothers’ day on Sunday (working selling flowers this weekend). Gave the mother-in-law Rieu and my mum the Buble – no ripping a copy of either of those here!! have a great Mothers’ day Wendy – you make me laugh!
Mel said,
May 7, 2013 @ 5:56 pm
Taking the kids to the park for the early morning run- GOLD!! I only want one thing for Mother’s Day, a sleep in!!!!
katie said,
May 7, 2013 @ 6:07 pm
I’m just going to leave this page open for my husband to discover when he gets home from work later…. I really do like the “no poo” bit the best!!
Belinda said,
May 7, 2013 @ 7:56 pm
forwarding this to my husband’s in box!! It’s made me smile!!
Evie said,
May 7, 2013 @ 8:08 pm
Great list! Will be showing the hubby this…
We usually run around visiting our mothers that my Mother’s Day takes a back seat!
wendyblume said,
May 7, 2013 @ 8:45 pm
yep, my mother in law is visiting – she’ll have my bed and I’ll be sleeping on the inflatable mattress on the floor!
What WAHMS REALLY Want For Mother's Day said,
May 7, 2013 @ 8:09 pm
[…] Five things we don’t want this mother’s day […]
SOS said,
May 7, 2013 @ 9:17 pm
Ungrateful bitches, get what ya given an appreciate it. The fact that they have mothers and fathers days is a commercial crook of poo anyway!
Kristin from Mamacino said,
May 7, 2013 @ 9:17 pm
Thank you, thank you. This is fabulous x
miscellaneousnerd said,
May 7, 2013 @ 10:24 pm
Reblogged this on Miscellaneous Nerd and commented:
Actually, I disagree with the KFC point AND the store-bought card point. I love KFC – mostly because I can’t get it where I live – but also store-bought cards are the only thing I’m likely to receive from a 10 month old at this point…
wendyblume said,
May 7, 2013 @ 10:34 pm
Ill leave you to enjoy your KFC Melissa!
Lucy said,
May 7, 2013 @ 11:46 pm
Ugh…I just saw an ad on TV that KFC are giving Mum a free 3 month magazine subscription on mothers day…..
Leah said,
May 8, 2013 @ 12:18 am
Love your work as always Wendy. Thanks for the chuckle!
Nicole said,
May 8, 2013 @ 12:28 am
OMG just the thought of my husband in the kitchen makes me want to drink a whole bottle of wine to cope…
I actually like mornings and my kids are good sleepers and usually sleep in on weekends, and well most days too. Thank god for me being a routine nazi, it’s paid off in droves.
I completely agree with the music, thankfully Husby will too, so I’m safe there.
As for poo, the 3 & 5 yo wipe their own butts now. I’ve retired from that task.
Seriously, do people really eat KFC ???
Cards, yeh well I’m hearing you !
I’ve found it easiest that I just tell them what ‘I’ want and no correspondence will be entered in to, just get your asses of the lounge and go buy it for me. Because I’m Mum, I’m boss lady. And that is all !
Have a great Mother’s Day all.
wendyblume said,
May 8, 2013 @ 8:05 am
Maybe you can drink the wine in another room and just wait for dinner to be brought to you!
Sammy said,
May 8, 2013 @ 2:10 am
There’s music out there that’s NOT Hi-5….?!?!
wendyblume said,
May 9, 2013 @ 7:41 pm
apparently!
Mother’s Day Express | May 12, 2013 | My West Chester, PA said,
May 8, 2013 @ 3:49 am
[…] Five things we don’t want this mother’s day (vegiesmugglers.com.au) […]
traceyroselive said,
May 8, 2013 @ 11:08 am
Haha … if I get a bucket of KFC it won’t be a happy mother’s day 😉
Sonia @ Natural New Age Mum said,
May 8, 2013 @ 11:28 am
so funny! I also don’t want a messy kitchen to clean up on Monday morning!
Brenda Janschek said,
May 8, 2013 @ 2:39 pm
Andre Rieu! GOLD! Anthony Callea! What ever happened to him? Sending this to hubby too and will defo share on my FB page tonight!
Marney Jefferies said,
May 9, 2013 @ 6:45 pm
Wendy, another delightful post that made me giggle.
If only we could print this post and wallpaper glue it to their foreheads!
Keep up the great writing!…definitely sharing this one!
wendyblume said,
May 9, 2013 @ 7:41 pm
Thanks Marney!
Naughty Naturopath Mum said,
May 9, 2013 @ 10:38 pm
Love it! Sharing tonight, so glad I am catching up on blog reading with less time on FB!!! x
Neets said,
May 10, 2013 @ 7:54 am
Loved reading this…I asked hubby last night what we’re doing on Sunday & proudly told me that we’re taking the kids the Gumbuya Park with a home packed lunch…mmm now I’m all about the kids having fun & all but we take the kids to a park EVERY weekend! Perhaps I’m just being selfish 🙂
Mums Who Inspire Me and a Thankyou to you all xxx | naughtynaturopathmum's Blog said,
May 10, 2013 @ 10:00 pm
[…] of healthy recipes – I love the books that have inspired me and many others by Wendy of Veggie Smugglers and Collette of Cut out the Crap. How do women, while they are raising small kids, not only have […]
Monique - Your Cheeky Monkey said,
June 6, 2013 @ 9:14 pm
Thanks for submitting your post to the DP Blog Carnival!
wendyblume said,
June 6, 2013 @ 9:39 pm
Thanks for reading it monique!
tahlia - the parenting files said,
June 10, 2013 @ 11:11 am
Hope you had a lovely day. A day off from cooking is always the best 🙂 x
robomum said,
July 1, 2013 @ 2:01 pm
KFC is my least favourite takeaway/fastfood but Man loves it. I don’t get the appeal. Hope Mother’s Day was everything you wanted it to be. DPBC visitor X
Rachael said,
May 8, 2014 @ 5:40 pm
My husband informed me he has had my Mother’s Day present for a week. Fingers crossed it’s nothing on your list. I can live with store bought cards because I get hand written beautiful messages with artwork on them.
wendyblume said,
May 8, 2014 @ 5:47 pm
hope you enjoy your day Rachael!
Alison said,
May 8, 2014 @ 9:05 pm
Very well written, thoroughly enjoyable and so so right on the money. Well said, well said!
planet-eco said,
May 8, 2014 @ 9:26 pm
ha ha – thanks Wendy – needed a laugh – unfortunately for me my sons are all squealing kfc uh huh uh huh boogie thing because apparently I get two free mags with it… and apparently that’s wonderful! – the magic of tv advertising. I had to laugh when I read your post.